Mandatory [Non-Sensical] Language

I don't want your "musts" and "shalls", you can keep your "mays" as well. If you knew me back when, you'd be dissapointed, because I know I am. All this money, and all these books, and all those "poor you" dirty looks. The lump in my throat came dangerously close to screaming. And in the wake of Saturday is where the tailspin begins, and where it ends no one knows. The breath I catch is stale with manufactured regret. So keep your "musts" and I'll just keep praying for Saturday.

Tell me you heard the clicks and pops of the reel too

Remember the night we sat on the floor, discussing the rest of our lives, sharing a cigarette while the world moved around us?

I hate the way a few simple years has turned into so many thousands of miles that the past seems more like a moving picture than the living and breathing and beating it was



---

I thought I was off to bed when this came clicking like a reel across my memory.
If I can make it I should stay up for just a while longer to walk around and hear the birds begin to awake.
And hate it like I used to.

Lucky Enough to "Suffer"

The midwest is a snow-globe.
In every way as terrifying and idyllic as living in a snow globe could be. For some it is suffocation. The same four seasons. The same highschool. The same life, over and over forever. For others its the lives their parents led, and their grandparents, and the parents before them. Content to be happy inside the glass. No need to taste the outside.

But those that are terrified of suffocation...only they really know the true beauty inside the globe. Its when they leave that their eyes adjust to the light, and that they can see so much more clearly through the now convex glass. The seasons and their ability to change a scape become noticed for the masterpieces they are. The once silent world comes alive with a discovery-a symphony released by the turning of a key. And each season has its own movement. They've broken free of the seal, and now the suffocation sets in but from this toxic air. Only one place could ever be home, only once place can strip away the unwanted elements, with its gentle strokes of backyards and baseball games on the radio, Christmas trees shining like beacons through the snow, lazy summer days coaxing you to sleep in the shade, autumn afternoons at pumpkin patches and choruses of leaves offering their perfume in exchange for a good roll around, and the most poetic thunderstorms heard of-professing their undying love for the land and the flowers they are helping the spring usher in for everyone's new beginnings.

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Its 5am. Loving the carmel and the apples and the walnuts so much I may be rotting my teeth. But an apple a day...cut me up another, because I'm feeling the itch. Fixes are fixes are fix.

...when the fall makes your nose run but the sun forbids anything more than a jacket......the turned colors and the perfume that they only bring out for those special occassions......when you've lived within it and let it live inside you, you'll realize how much your addicted, if your lucky enough to be 'suffering'...

Coming Down off a Placebo is a _______

I feel like someone who's been on medication. Happy, optimistic. Such a drastic change from just weeks ago. But I'm starting to feel the slip. Or maybe I'm just so very afraid of the slip taking over. And then again, maybe its the curiosity that will kill the cat. I've had my fingers and toes crossed so hard the knuckles turn white. Plenty of prayers. Whatever it is, I just want to stay here. In this state I can dream everything and do it all. The questions barely become audible, not even a whisper. I don't want the slip. Because the bottom of the slope is so far away, but when its all downhill I can get there in seconds. I wouldn't be so worried if life around me had actually changed. But things are pretty much as awful as ever. Yep, its taking over. The endorphins have run dry. I don't know what got them going to begin with. That valley and the need to get out. The bootstraps mustering their own force. I needed to be remined of who I was. Who I am. And I got it. Now its back to the daily struggle. I can do it on my own. I just wish I knew what the magical fix was; how can I get that on my conscious own? I baffle and amaze myself on so many levels. I'm also the most irritating person I've ever met.

I wish I could write happy things and not hate them for sounding sentimental in that gross way.

Throw Away Girls: Once a Lady

Throw away girls
All the right bases
And Pixilated faces
Strung out like pearls

Coll(e/a)ge us together
Up close and forgettable
But stand away
We are the Monets

A living breathing gallery
Of blurred slurs
And vintage oils
Depicting the "Once a Lady"
Now ADorian in Gray and whites
Save for the beauty by colored lights

The pieces to your perfect puzzle
Making us fit together is
Forever a struggle
Because you really just
Want us gone
To have your fun
With the very next…

One is not enough
And the many leaves you lost
She'll try to call your bluff
But you’ve come to crave the toss

So you get your fix
Those sugary salty lips
Repeats can get heavy
But they don’t raise the levy
So the best hips
Are fall backs

And we’ll always be your
Throw away girls
Strung out like pearls
Slurs and blurs
Never quite “yours”

Blame the DandyC Darling

Oh look, you've even got other boys writing songs
Professing my so-called love for you
And oh what an instrument
Equal opportunity longs
To be played
Skilled or ignorant hands
All made clumsy by too much to drink
And too little thinking
Fallen on, barely escaping

Dropped not broken
Shaken and stirred
Edgy elixir courage
Hits happen
Its dirty sexy
Drugs and coffee
The uppers by downers

Skewed balance is still balance

Dont say my name like you mean it
Or look into my eyes
Gave me your helmet
To protect me from myself
Its myself that protects me from you
You and your body's lies
The cravings win everytime

Skewed balance is still balance
Uppers and downers
All for a chance
The days call me a looser
But the nights proclaim
Another win
Another win
Balance is balance

Folie à Famille

"Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars..." I'd never just change my name.
---
I know I want to spend the rest of my life in St. Louis.

I'm just not ready for the rest of my life yet.

I've got too much else to do first.
---
Only two people in the world. The very same complexes, strengths, and weaknesses. And then again not at all. The only two people from whom I'd never hear the word "No". We don't ask. Burned too many times by the anwser or the lie in the affirmative.

The Upward Glance

I could sing about love
From the moment I wake
I could read the great novels
But I'm not sure they'd take

So I've read the hours away
And I've sung the silvery verses
With all the right faces
I've had you entranced with every word I say

But those sweet nothings
They're just that
Little whispers for the taking
Because we haven't yet met

I'll be your pet
And you'll be mine
For never have I ever
Had a perfect Valentine

I Just Want to Feel Something: La Noche Triste

"Spin the Bottle"


I rocked you
You rolled my world
Bounce on me
I'll bounce on you
Never left
Just an aside [forgotton]

Use me, I'll use you
Come on honey, like this smile?
How about how I move?
Its a flash of white danger
We smell the rapture
And you're eyes are filthy liars

It takes one
To know one
I heard the line across the room
Drew me like a moth to a flame

Vampires prowling
The scene of the binging dead

Dead to you by daylight
This Mindless Butterfly
Cinderella she's not
Smeared makeup and hungover
A mere shadow of the Queen

Until the next tryste
And its a different player
Same dark game

Played by the vampires
Stealing the life
From the binging dead

Waiting for the Valium to Bind

Your indifference sets off the panic, knowing you can't help us either. "I wish you would've lied"; its just my way of adding another level of grime, because I didn't think you had enough trouble seeing clearly. Sick of stupidity. My tools don't work, they're over used, rusted and coroded. This mind can't untangle any more chaos. Burning every last connection trying, borrowing against a heavy heart and a credit line of prayer.

Caught in the rain, held captive by the wind. Lightning flashes of memory, when life was simple. Thunder rolls off the tounges of the heavens, whispering the promises of angels. Soaked and alone, kept afloat by the very thought of you.

--

I can hear you slipping. The tears in your voice suffocate me; my heart aches in beat with your breaking. This line does its best to save us, but its only a line, and we're so far away. We are so much the same, I should know how to fix you. I barely have the spare parts for myself. And I'm gone from you. Can you feel my eyes? I'm burning them through time and space for you. I pray you catch enough of a glimer to soothe your tired soul, just enough to rest.
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