A Very Good Reason

There is a reason I don't watch Glee.
A very, very good reason.
"I understand" says he "all I can say is go out there and do it. Move to L.A"
I have no answer to that. I can't. So much is stopping me and he knows it.
"There are millions of people out there that feel the same way."
I pause. I think. I'm honest. How is that supposed to make me feel any better?
"I'm commiserating with you. I wish I was up on that stage too. But you were, remember? For four years-you were the youngest, you were the talent-you were the star."
Yes, but I wanted that for my life.
"Well, I've got to say that is hard to believe. You gave up on it in college"
It was complicated, I say.
"You chose not to be involved. If you think its complicated there, imagine what its like..."
I cut him off. I know this.
I want to blame it on him. I want to give him all the excuses I tell myself to sleep at night.
How he taught me that the one with the money makes the rules. How he bargained with me to not be a theatre major, to be anything but because otherwise it was likely I'd end up teaching high school drama somewhere. He didn't want that. I didn't want it either. How I went to lawschool because that was a guaranteed six-figure income. What a laugh. Now I'm up to my eyeballs in debt and the lines on my face get deeper, the pores get larger and I've all but given up trying to shed this mountain of weight I've somehow accumulated. I'm fat and everybody tells me so. Some are direct. Some just talk about how they can't fathom how someone can "let themselves go". It hurts and I make myself sick. I dream of what could have been and what probably never will be. And that takes my breath away as I say it.

I got irritated.
Maybe it was for a justifiable reason, perhaps it wasn't.
Either way, I'm not interested in exploring its validity.
Moving on.

There is no Ivy. There are no lights. There is only what was and how it worked for me.

Where I went to school, or where I didn't
What kind of town it was and what it isn't.
Sometimes they bother me.
And others I'm content.

There were no hallowed halls.
There is no instant recognition.

Tiny town.
Tiny blips.

Mediocrity.
Somedays its that.
And others its not even close.

When it approaches the line.
Thats when it gets clear. And foggy.
Because what do I want it to be?
I wanted the name. The lights. The city.
But the limestone and architecture gave me a place.
The institution and programs opened their doors. They wanted me.
Dare I say needed.
So quickly I forgot. Put off the lights.
"When I graduate"

Only to move on to the opposite again.
In every way.
But still no lights. Still no city. Still no black stages.
Put me in the 4th. What does it mean?
Nothing to you. Only I know the work was the same.
But do you know the name?
And do you know the rank?
Can you forget it if you do?

What will you think
when you read where I've been;
who has taken me in.

Does it matter?
Somedays.
And others its not even close.

No Generation Skipping Here. Taxed Plenty. Zero Exemptions.

When I would hurt and the only reply recieved was that I shouldn't.

Thats why I have little sympathy or empathy for you.

You expect it to be there. And for others it is.

But for you, for you its harder to muster. Don't hurt. Its pretty simple.

Those tears are probably fake and if they're real you're too dramatic.

A hat must have dropped.

And yet when I give you what you've given me, I'm the terrible one.

Cry your alligator tears and feel your phantom pain.

Why Does It Hurt

so much to be reminded of happy times. when I was creative and the possiblities of the world seemed endless.

when my being was melted by the lights into the dark stage floor.

why does it hurt.
I'm afraid to know the answer.
-
3/10:

When you remember things
I cant even begin to recall
but I'm there in that memory with you
one of your favorites
its then one of mine too

do you know what thats like?
to be there in your memory
that you keep me there
with a rose colored haze around us
and sparkles in each of our eyes

thank God for you and your memories
and for sharing them with me

When the End Was Met

my wits end of trying to show her anything was met years and years ago

sometimes I wonder what all this is for
what is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning

and im just not worth it
and all I want is 5 free passes
where a family can feel like a family
or at least not put me through
the most brutal ringer you could
ever.imagine.

im not whining
promise

sometimes when you wonder
an answer comes along
even if a Long Hard Road wasn't what you were looking for
"If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say:
'But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.'"
its still an answer.

Seven into the Mist

do you ever get the feeling that you've done everything right?
and all wrong
at the exact same time?

can't figure out who wins
if there is a win
so much done just as it should
and so much missing
which is it?

its almost exactly like looking in my eyes
and saying my name

or is it?
who hasn't got a question
I think you've forgotton the mark

seven into the mist
caps dropped onto the floor
and the result is less than ideal

and i miss you
but i haven't got a clue who 'you' is

had a dream last night
another
this time i saw an owl
a little baby owl
with a broken wing and no hopes of flying

but when i came up to her
she didnt need me after all
and though she fell from a tree
she managed to escape

and i woke up
to bright cool shining sun
coming through the window
urging me out of bed

so its all alright
going to be alright

thats what you're saying
right?

Messages Hurled My Way

The universe is sending me a message.
But I haven't got the key.
All signs have been pointing, pointing right here to me.

Whiskey on ice in bed.
Four tears fell out
But I'm botteling the rest instead.

sunday morning arrests to wednesday afternoon lay offs
how many hours is that?
how many more until the last shoe drops?

my name to my school to where I grew up
flashing alerts
"THANKFULNESS A single grateful thought toward heaven is the most complete prayer. Take care and enjoy and be prosperous... William "
I dont know who he is but he found me
flashing alerts

theres a first for everything
loosing teeth in a dream is one
it startled me and I should have known
flashing alerts
signaled the go


the bubble wrap is in the mail
and its the shortest month of the year

I dont know which is worse
the fear or the feeling
or is that the same thing
just on different frequencies?

Watching Your Parents

Did you ever know watch your parents to know when things were turning south? Like for instance, I remember a time when we were on a plane that had a very bad landing. But my parents were cool and calm and my brothers and I didn't think twice. Until they said something about it later, and I realized all was not okay, they just made it seem like it was.
To this day if I see my dad grip the steering wheel or act in some other similiar maneristic way, I start to get nervous and feeling sick to my stomach. Even if I have no clue what is going on. I know he isn't feeling well or there is something wrong.
I can tell the same thing by the tone in my mother's voice or the phrases she chooses in her speech. Same with my grandparents. Instantly still, I change too in a matter of seconds.
Even if I don't know of any threat or problem.
I'm generally calm. I'm just saying. Don't you experience the same thing? In an instant?

Oh Those Boys (Men?) of Music

Alright so.

The boys (men now? men...) of fall out boy. Grateful. They look like they have won the greatest job in the world and couldn't be happier. They stand there and look at us like we all came to grant them one special wish, not collective, no, all seperate, but all the same, and just for them. Each of us knows they have their own lives and we are not their sole source of happy. But for those moments. No one can even think of anywhere else. And making us feel so needed, so worthy of being there to see them because without us there would be no them, thats what sets them apart from all else.

Guitarist Frank Iero of My Chemical plays as though his very life depends on it. His body, his soul, his very being all merge into one collective entity, poured together and manifested into something
watching him is like watching a soul pour from his person live and in living color. and though i've only seen him on video, if his performance (which I don't think can rightly even be called a performance. it is like watching ________ in motion) that comes through >>> is any sort of telling, seeing him in person would evoke a level of awe only elicted by great works at the level of hearing Mozart or Beethoven in person for the very first time. To understand the movement from far away means the real-life must be incomprehensible.