I wouldn't even dare to imagne

Do you know one of the things I love?
When there is a combination between the shirt I wore that day with freshly-washed pajama pants. Nothing beats it. Its me {and you} in those perfectly balanced forms. I wish I could bottle it, or make it uniform, but I [generally] dont wear perfume, so there is no uniformity. Just what is.
----
I can feel the beat of my heart in my heel;
The left side of my foot is twitching like crazy.
And my right eye is running, but not crying, like mad.
I can think of nearly a million reasons to make a double chorus legitmate,
But none of them has quite struck that chord.

----

I will never understand how the buzz phrases "equal protection" and "choice" co-exist in a constiutionally protected sentence.

----

This isn't the right place or time to express my extreme disatsifaction. But disgusting is so relevant right now. You dont matter, but the repulsive idea of your "perfection" and the way you think of yourself as a god does---it just rubs me against every grain. You're snide little messages, and a cocky anwser that you had 'no idea', are just a pathetic showing too. And I DONT CARE but I really am sick of you, so consider this message just a frustration in general.
----
Its going to be 5:30 soon. And the amount to drink gets more and more and more just to feel the tingle in my face. Tolerance building up so high that the crash has got to come on sooner than later, but in an insignificant way.

Have you ever just wimpered once? To hear what it sounds like?

---------------------------------

On a much, much, much, different note:

Did you know Heath Ledger had Ben Harper write a lullaby for him as soon as he knew he was going to have a daughter? If this isn't one of the saddest, most heartfelt pieces of learned information of your week, I don't know what could be....read the lyrics here and tell me it isn't errie and lovely and sad.

Multimedia message: Connect 4 Highballs, Christmas Pant Edition. And some phone doodled sharpie for fun

Gonna Be A Big MAN...Someday

Mud on your face.
My face.

Screw you.

I stayed out of this one. FOR ONCE. Damn it. I am a force. In this case, not 'one to be reckoned with'. No no no. One that draws problems. A moth to a drama flame is so frekin' cliche.
"A wasps wings are as good as a moths".

IT IS THE STORY of my life. thats even MORE cliche. but even more true. Even when it can in no way be construed to be MY fight. I'm in it. My dog is thrown right there. Expected to win with no idea what the RIGHT strategy is.

Its times like this I wish I was a real man. Not a daddy man. Not a lover man. That part of a man who doesn't give a fuck what someone says to him. Because he doesn't even hear them.

Women get so bothered. I may appear un-bothered but goddamnit I'm wired to be bothered. And it drives me crazy. I OBSESS OVER IT. And the harder I work not to, the more I realize there's no ridding myself of it.

I wish I could hardwire the fuck you switch. And then let it all go.
Just for those moments.

Sonofabitch.

Again?

Today Went::

1. read horoscope (hey, it pops up when I sign onto AIM, I can't help it):
[Someone may say something casually to you today, and even though the words might not be worth a second thought, the news can send you into a tailspin. Keep in mind that you are probably overreacting, based upon a past experience that was hurtful. This could be different, so it's a good idea to maintain a healthy perspective on anything you learn now.--Leo for 2/7]

2. have no idea what it means, forget it for the rest of the day.

3. check one of the sites I always go to. read post. post really says nothing extraordinary, but it means something that gets to me.

4. freak out over what the post-says-means-for me (its my half birthday, I can think of me).

5. write out the following as an spur-away message because that kind of reaction is better than letting my freak-out fester:
[Timing is everything.
But why does every-thing have to rely on timing?
Its not a science.
But we make it that way.
Do you ever catch your breath right before it gets knocked out of you? When you realize you're timing is off?]

5. computer signs back into AIM when I get home

6. realization sets in.

7. my parents/grandparents would be dissapointed. they'd say that when you want to see something it will appear. but I promise. thats not whats happening.

I Am...Such a Sucker

for fireworks that make my heart stop. and 21-gun salutes after Mass. and the trumpets and snares of those age-old songs we (some what shamefully) only bring out for a day and a half each year. and the Republic for which it all stands.

because for those moments I'm just a girl. a little girl with braids in her hair, wearing a blue plaid school jumper, saying the Pledge with my hand over my heart, crossing myself before I sat back in my wooden little seat. who only knew the wonderful and good of our Country. knowing I was born into the finest nation on earth, and thanking God every morning for it.

with age comes many things. happiness and life and knowledge of many great things. but more knowledge also brings with it more dissapointment and sadness, in some ways.

but for a moment just now I was that little girl again. watching a video. and I'm a sucker. a speech writer's greatest accomplishment is in making their candiate timeless. not my candidate. not even my favorite musicians. and yet, yet there was something there. something timeless.

"its that Patriotic something that noone can understand"
------------
"When he had spoken in opposition to my opinion, had produced a great effect, and I myself had been highly delighted and moved, I have asked myself, when he ceased, 'What the devil has he said?' and could never answer the inquiry."--Jefferson on P. Henry's famous Give Me Liberty
---------------

the cynical me reminds all of us that it was indeed a writer with a 'way'

"The Story of Siblings"

I'm listening to you tell me the story of our lives. Full names and all.

Open Mouth

insert foot.

and immediatly I lost the connection, when I thought I had lost something else, but when really its just interrupted.

its amazing how guilty I'm feeling. and wishing I didnt. who is we? wanting there to be something I could say or do to convey meaning. and matter. and I can't figure out how exactly I got here. thats a half-lie.

BATHOS

my away message only lasted a matter of seconds before it shut itself off

I think I hate the dress now

"But the Queen is just a Pawn with a bunch of Fancy Moves"

No purple this time, its navy blue.
And Madison isn't just an Avenue.

I love this dress. Can't bring myself to buy it. Yet. I'm wearing myself down.

Reasoning in-and-out of it. In every way. I'd probably go to far with a russian-red and fish-nets.

Costume? They let me have a chance to be who myselves are. Not the other way around.

And too far to you, please see, is this side of the line for somebod[me]y.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They might have written the song first, but the fancy moves were mine. Only there weren't any fiends. Only more users. We danced together at the bottom. Drowning in sixteen ounces. Living in a hollow world was the only way to keep it together. Cut the losses or the [white] girl. In the morning it was both. Swallow. LookintheMirror. Alive? For an hour. Repeat.

Glimse of one of the pasts. past. past. ithinkipromise. past.

Happy Anniversary

One Year. Almost to the hour I bet.

To me.
To you.

You dont know it, but in a strange way you do. "there is nothing between us but air"

it was the first 10 seconds. mesmerizing. hooked me for life.

I hadn't felt that way about music in so much longer than I care to remember.
It really was the night that began it all. I can't impress upon you the gravity.

I had no idea who they were. Really. Sad. But I made up for it.

Thanks, Bears.

[if I had some kind of picture to post I would, but I've yet to find one that can capture these 1,000 words]

Get Me Out

of my mind.

"get outta your head. its a bad neighborhood"

mine's quite pleasant. ideal. with just enough un-finished hems and mis-swept hair and cluttered rooms to make it real.

"I wanna get in your mind, your heart, your soul. And I dont see you wearing any pants in that equation". Is this perfect? Or perfectly disgusting?
Lines blurr.

"us lemons, we constantly need to remind ourselves we're alive. that we exist"
have you ever gotton to the point of seriously considering crashing your car, just to feel the pain? to remind yourself that feelings can exist. that you exist.
I'm not there anymore, but I have been. And the lemon is still up for grabs.

the conjugal visits worked. [read deeply]
its just not cutting it anymore. it did, for a very long time. but the deeper they go, the more it fills in the creases, the want it needs to be real, more than anything. I find more feelings for the loss of what is not real, but how I wish it was.
I need something real. Tangible. I've never needed something to hold in my hand more than now.

Get me out of my mind.
Really? Just needing happy reality interspersed.

I'm Not Supposed To Believe in This, But...

"Your emotions are deeply embedded in your past and, fortunately, you've been given a chance recently to meander down Memory Lane. Now it's time to look at your street map and pick a new destination. You are at the beginning of the next chapter of your life, so observe what's in front of you and don't try to navigate by looking in the rear view mirror."--Leo for 1/30

I think this is a perfect example and time to institute "2." of the word bizonic, syn. "ironarre". Because its not real, but is, and isn't.

If the clear is supposed to appear, today isn't the day. Or maybe it is. But I sure can't see it.