I've Got to Stop This

"What did we talk about you not doing anymore?"
"Covering for you?"

I think my heart stopped. Because I know what I remember thinking. Add in two substances with known tendencies to take away what little ability to say no and keep things from slipping I have, and you'll understand why I literally stopped breathing.
Please. no. no no no.

no no no.
it just can't be.
if so. theres nothing taking it away.

vodka and I have a horrendous love/hate relationship. unlike anything else out there.
and just when i thought it was safe.
i'll never be.

i think i lie more to myself than i let myself believe.