"Holding Out and Holding On": For Once I Don't Mean Lust

2005
when I look at that date in print I can barely make sense of it. but when I really think about it, it was the year I started my senior year of college, and that seems like just a moment ago. except that in just a few months it will be three years.

2003
this one is even worse. but it makes more sense on paper than it does in life. when I think about what was going on that year, all I have to do is look at these old posts [not posted]. I remember them with an odd-fondness, and tell the stories with much more humour than ever existed at the time. hindsight is always a laughing matter.

2007
this has passed more quickly than any other year so far. I'm in a race but not sure if I'm headed towards the right finish line.

I can't get what I mean down. Its all in this crazy-mind of mine. Attrition, defs. 1&2.

I'm not doing such a good job with keeping myself going. East has a clear-end view. Mild-bumps in the road, and an end with partly-cloudy skies. West is so dark you can barely see where the road begins, much less where the footprint of a first step begins. The darkness is terrifying, but it holds so much more hope than a forever filled with possible chances of freezing rain every day.

You sound so grown up that I don't think I'm ready to hear it. But its what made me fall in absolute-true-love in the very first place. I didn't know there was so much more I was missing. I hate that I consumed fluff because it was readily avaliable and filling. How empty. Maybe it was because I was so genuinely depri/aved it all meant so much so fast. Trying to even this out, but I can't help being so angry at all I missed and afraid of lossing it, whatever it is.

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Do you ever hope that you'll be someone's last love? That when they come across you, they'll realize (soon-enough) that the one they're with isn't right and to not be with you would be a fatal error? But whats to say that after a year, a decade, a life-time with you they won't find new holes in their heart to be filled? And to stay with you would be fatal error?
I want to break someone's heart. In the kindest sense. In the most lovely sense. Just because they've seen all the holes and to live with them would break it to pieces.
But then that fatal error that was in my favor is now against me in every way.

I'm not sure that the truth hurts worse than anything that could be said or done.
"Tell the truth about the big things. Lie about the rest"
"Tell the truth about the small things and lie about the rest"
Both me. Both true. Prove it. T-R-U-T-H. More than just a passcode.
"The only thing worse than not know is pretending that I dont know."